Sooooo this girl has been MIA as usual, as is to be expected, as is the custom of the consummate procrastinator, that I honestly wasted as many letters as possible to say the same thing, be redundant or repetitive. I’m losing thought.
Point is, I am back at it, writing again now that I have the appropriate environment and resources to explore my dreams and hobbies and future (current) occupation. Here’s the thing – it shouldn’t take a proper environment. It requires the optimal headspace, and my disheveled surroundings were merely a symptom of how corrupted my mind and spirit felt. During this pandemic, I was a hit with another virus, or rather, my illness was brought to my attention by having no choice but to sit in it. It wasn’t all too physical – as in physically a part of my body – but a mental ailment, allowing me to rot in place, question the importance of organizing, eating, showering, putting in any effort. It was so much more powerful than I was. But the other part of me, a smaller, quieter me, had reminded myself that I’m better than whatever my mind was convincing me to be, whatever my home was effectively showing me I was – an exhausted black woman, overworked, underpaid, doomed to labor tirelessly for others and do very little for herself.
“No, I’m more than that,” my mouth would utter, no help from my brain. But apparently, it was my mouth that had remembered my former self, a girl who loved what she did, set boundaries against being used or taken away from self-interests, managed to provide for herself, and did what she wanted when she wanted. That girl wasn’t a figment of my imagination. I had been her once. So on pure faith, I told myself lies about myself, about my greatness and potential and how I was the chosen one and other fallacies that scooped me out of bed, out of my shower, out of my car and eventually out of my poor decrepit apartment keeping me hostage and gaslighting me into harboring horrible beliefs about myself so that I would be dependent upon it.
Soon, very soon, after leaving that place, did I get opportunities to better my environment even further and, by default, better my self-outlook
I now write to you few people who read this nonsense from a new place on new tech with a new hope. Like Star Wars. But better. Yes, better. If I procrastinate after all this, then by golly, look at how much fun I have wasting my own and everyone else’s time!
SJ Wrytes 