Regularity

So, like, I published a new episode of “Not SO Beneficial” on the Episode Interactive app, and it only took me over 2 years to do. This was due to a combination of imposter syndrome, a busy schedule, a private but world shattering emotional breakdown and bad habits that finally gave out right when the pandemic decided to rear its ugly head. Strangely enough (for possibly everyone else who may read this), I welcomed being forced to stay home. However, because of my other job as a caregiver, I was considered essential and thusly still able to work, but there was a level of relief in that became the only concern. I no longer had to worry about ventures to events or social outings which for me was very draining as I’m an introvert who can turn on a pretense of extroversion. But alas, I was able to sit with myself and my thoughts.

I had gone to therapy a couple years back, after my breakdown, and learned that my habits, though some would consider admirable, were making me mentally sick, causing me personal anguish and a debilitating depression that kept me from functioning. Bathroom breaks and eating were luxuries I couldn’t afford. It was a very sad existence.

Through misfortune, however, I found new life. I pray and meditate more often, I seek quiet moments to myself, I schedule out everyday activities that ensure I eat and sleep on a regular basis at a consistent time, though with the sleep I’m still a work in progress. The fact still stands, I’m much happier putting myself first. Because I hadn’t been. I’m not just a caregiver as a job; I’m a caregiver at heart. And for any other caregivers out there, we can know how “great” that actually isn’t. Self-sacrifice should be moderate, but when you make it a life goal, it’s just a slower self-inflicted death sentence. One has to raise up boundaries, so that when they are in the mindset to sacrifice self for someone else’s needs or desires, they still have a self to come back to when they’ve helped. I would give all of myself, and leave no life behind. I became an empty shell with few reprieves of grace.

Now, grace is goal. Because when you can be kind to yourself, you can be kind to others. Hating yourself but loving others will eventually result in not being around to help the others you love. It has to start with you, creating better routines to bring me calm and happiness. As I’ve finally learned to care for myself, I was able to to do what I loved and I now feel more accomplished than I ever have in a long time. I hope all gets the chance to learn from my words by heeding my warnings about the “virtue of self-sacrifice”. It comes at price, and instead I suggest seeking “self-love” with a view to loving others correctly. Because killing yourself for someone else isn’t noble if you’re not around to see if it was truly worth it.